Pretty much kinda.

The boyfriend and I have been eating Hammy's Pizza a lot lately because it's delicious and delivers late into the night... except I'm lactose intolerant and WILL NOT give up the dairy. So I get gassy. And he's just gassy a lot. So there's been a lot of farting going on. In the shower, in bed together, crop dusting, dutch ovens, sneak attack farts, you name it, we've done it and laughed our asses off.

I've come a long way from being terrified of pooping in public restrooms and farting around the guy I'm with. I get to be comfortable and silly and stupid and stinky with him and that's true love right there.

We've also come to the conclusion that snot rocketing on someone is TOTALLY okay if you're in the shower, 'cause you can just rinse it right off. As long as both parties involved have okay'd it, at least.

I was just in the shower. After I washed my hair and shaved and all that I sat down to see make sure that my nether parts were clean, as ya do, and noticed a little bit of white hanging out inside my clitoral hood on the right (my left as looking down) side of my clit. I brushed at it and it didn't go away. My hood is pretty short so I realized pretty quickly that this was inside my skin. I, as gently as I could, pulled my inner labia and hood away from my clit while also pushing down and towards it (regular zit squeezing methods didn't work right there) to squeeze it out and verrrry slowly a hardish, white and thick (think about the thickness of the stick part of a Q-tip) and about 1/2 an inch long bit of gunk snaked it's way out. There was a little bit of blood after it was empty. It definitely didn't feel good at all. I can usually syke myself out of most pain but I'm still a bit queasy and shaky from how that felt, kind of like if one were to try to jam a blunt stick into the side of their clit fairly hard. So, anyone else ever have a white/blackhead next to their clit before? I don't recommend it.

The best thing about being home for the holidays? Getting to surf the internets on my netbook while taking a crap. I always feel like my roommates will judge me if they catch me doing it. Family? Well, they can judge me all they want and it doesn't really matter.

....I just managed to sneeze epically and cough up an impressive amount of lung butter in the same instant.

It's freezing once again and I've noticed something.

My tits become cold way, way before the rest of me does.

Anybody else?

First time poster, long time lurker.

I have been having the rankest farts today. I'm not sure if it's the tofu I had or the bacon. Normally I can tolerate my own brew, but my gods, this is epic!  They also burn like hell. I usually can't digest meat due to a sensitive stomach, but I've had no rumblings today, just killer farts. D: 

Just a PMSing gripe in the early hours of Christmas Eve.

My tits hurt.

And not only are they extremely sore and tender (my bra made them hurt, my shirt brushing against them made them hurt, and I accidentally put pressure on the top of the left boob and YEEEEOWWWWCHHHHH!), but they're just HANGING there. I mean, c'mon, when I sit down they practically go to my knees! And they're like two big sacks of rocks! I think if I swung them about they'd knock people unconscious, myself included, which may or may not be pleasant.

And, dammit, I have black hair around my nipples. Just a few, but I hate them. I'm too sore to remove them right now and my boobs are stubbly. Just fricking peachy.

*Grumbles under breath* This never happened before I went on birth control... and I'm not even on it anymore.

I woke up this morning dreading going shopping for Christmas dinner food, and the cramps hit.
Cramps happen about as often as Haley's comet for me, but when they hit, it's like a torture chamber for my lower half. Front *and* back. Just sitting here reading some posts and my damn sphincter decides to cramp up and twist. I shit you not it felt like it was twisting.
And it hurts SO fucking bad.
We were out shopping for 5 FUCKING HOURS.
And now I get to wrap presents. MERRY CHRISTMAS MY ASS. OW CRAMP.

Sorry, I had to...

October
Uterus: Help! There's a fever raging through the body! I'll hang on to my lining, I might need it for later.

Me: No period. Hm. Well, I was sick, so I guess that's to be expected.

November
Uterus: Heee! I has a lining! *huggles* Is MAH lining! You no can has! I LOVES IT I LOVES IT I LOVES IT EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Me: Ok, this ain't right. No period, I've gained a bit of weight, I'm hungry all the time as well as having random cramps. AW FUCK! *stressssssssssss*

Doctor: You're not pregnant. Are you under any stress at the moment?

Me: Very fucking funny. I gave you $50 to tell me that? *headdesk*

December
Uterus: Christmas Lining Christmas Lining Christmas all the waaaaaaay! A lining! For me? Oh, you shouldn't have!

Me: That's it, I'm having blood tests. Screw this.

Uterus: YOU CAN TAKE MY FALLOPIAN TUBES, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY LINING!!

I have epic period farts and they keep making me laugh. I just did this epically long one and I started laughing in the middle of it so it made my fart go wierd and uneven. My asshole was laughing with me :D

So I am a juicy individual; I understand this and try to take precautions when I masturbate, just in case. Last night I was lazy, though, and just pulled out my bullet to rub one out before going to sleep. Sometimes I get a pretty impressive flow going, and I figured that's what happened last night; I was half asleep and not really paying attention to much else[yes, even falling asleep in a wet spot].

I woke up today though and I'm starting to worry that I peed instead. :| My sheets smell rank. Granted, my snatch has been smelling weird lately anyway, so maybe it was just cunt juice, but I'm not really sure.

I'm trying to come up with an excuse for when I bring down the bedsheets and mattress pad that I changed out like... two days ago, as well as a pair of sweatpants and underwear.

So I have a bartholin's cyst... And since it's not abcessed I get to wait and take 20 sitz baths a day. I smell to high hell like teatree oil, and if I read one more thing about epsom salts I just might explode. Needless to say... if it ruptures, I'm actually somewhat excited to see that sort of ick coming out of me. Well I knew you people would understand. Oh and in case you didn't know, a bartholin's cyst is just inside the lil labia. My cyst started pea size and now it's about... marble sized? Can't wait for it to leave me alone. It's killing my sex life.

So, I'm at work. The way my office is set up is that I have a studio where my clients come in, and you have to walk outside to get to the bathroom. I was alone at the studio, and had to take a dump. So I walk out to the bathroom, and notice some car keys on the ground. I couldn't figure out whose they could be, since my last client left over an hour ago. I put the keys in my office, lock up the studio, and go do my business.

I'm in there for about 5 minutes when I hear knocking on the studio door. I get veeeery quiet. Then I hear my last client, Anna, calling my name. And then my cell phone rings. It's Anna, leaving a message - she was downstairs at the hair salon after her appointment with me, she's  lost her car keys, and figured she left them here...she doesn't have a spare set, she's trapped here, where am I, will I be back soon? And I'm sitting there....ummm....unable to get up and leave the bathroom.

Well, at this point I'm trapped. She's not going anywhere, and I can't leave the bathroom without her seeing me. Plus, she might have heard my cell phone ring in the bathroom, although she's too polite to knock on that door.

Anywway, I finish up, am finally able to get up, wash my hands, and come out. I tell her I found her keys. We both pretend we don't notice that I just spent at least the last 5 minutes in the bathroom while she was out there waiting for me. And, I imagine, by the next time I see her on Wednesday, we'll both pretend that the whole thing never happened...

Eurrgh. I have the horrible sneaking feeling that I've got the beginnings of a UTI. Or it might just be me being paranoid, based on the fact that the last one I had was the worst pain I've yet experienced and I'm not in search of another.

Thing is, on Saturday night I committed the rookie mistake of forsaking the post-sex toilet trip because I was so frickin' exhausted. I figured "meh, won't hurt this once". I think I might be about to pay for that. Not got that many symptoms, mostly just discomfort during peeing (and for a significant time after that, actually - not the 'I still need to pee' discomfort, the actual sore/burning feeling in the urethra) which was what first got my attention. I'm now on red alert because good god, I do not need this this week. Planning on seeing how I feel in the morning and if there are still signs I will be down the docs quicksmart.

All the same: any deities listening, please please let me not have a UTI again. Please.

ugh so my sore throat is doing better but now my nose is super dry all the time. especially at night. it hurts to breathe throug it and in turn irritates my throat

though i do get some epic boogers

i hadnt pooed since thursday. today, sunday i did and it was green. nice. i did have blue jello wed and thurs so maybe thats why

i just wanna feel good again :(

For my fellow TMI-ers who have stretched ear piercings:
You know that smell that they can get when you don't wash them every day? That weird, cheesy kind of smell?

Am I the only one who, after being lazy for a few days and not washing them, likes to rub their fingers on the jewelry and sniff it?

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about: it's one of those "it's so bad but you can't help but smell it again and again" types of things.



In other news: I haven't had a proper poop in several days. It feels like I want to, but nothing's there! Mystery poop FTL.

My blob comes on the day I have a hangover. Thanks, body. Now I have to decide which end of me most urgently needs to go in the toilet first.

The last few days I've been über horny as in having to get off two and three times a day, doing the whole spotting thing on & off, hot as hell, and headachy. FIGURE OUT WHAT IN THE HELL YOU WANT TO DO!!! It's either menopause or PMS from the netherworld....

Again, NO LOVE,
Moi