when after grunting and straining to pass what feels like the hugest turd ever, you look in the toilet and see this little clumpy thing? How can something that small in the toilet be so large coming out one's asshole?

Aight ... so the bf got diagnosed w/ pneumonia yesterday. (I'm convinced that it wouldn't have gotten that bad had he gone to the dr 2 weeks ago like I told him to). I'm hoping mine has nothing to do w/ his ...
Anyways ...
Starting yesterday I started feeling like there was a marble on the left side of my throat where my gland is. It makes a popping sound when I push on it (I'm the only one that can hear it .. it's not loud) but it occasionally feels like razor blades when I swallow. And when that started my left ear also started to hurt.
At present I'm insurance-less, so I'm hoping that the LJ dr can help me out here.

It's 5am and I am having an awful time!

I got kind of drunk/high and totally pigged out on nearly a whole bag of chips, which has resulted in late night nausea-turned horrible diarrhea.

It was kind of bleedy, and incredibly burny, and lo' behold I have a fucking hemorrhoid. It's my first one and I hate my life. Is it true these things normally go away on their own?

I. Hate. Morning. Breath. I don't have a particularly good type to start with, but this morning I woke up and it was as if I'd fallen asleep with some of last night's curry in my mouth and it had gone rancid trapped in with my body heat. One of the few times I've ever woken up and actually ran to brush my teeth and gargle a a gallon of mouthwash before anything else.

Today I was reminded of my favorite feature of the human body: its ability to create a shit ton of mucus in your throat when you start almost-choking.

( MORE )

so the other day i had to poo, and did so.....caught a whiff and had to immediately flush it...it was that bad, that i couldnt handle my own blend. i noticed tho as as i flushed it it made swirl marks around the bowl...pretty.

yesterday i had all sorts of gas, indigestion and such, today i wake up to cramps OH JOY

so i get my period about 4 days early...thanks...thanks a lot. waking up to nasty cramps isnt a good way to start. but after taking 2 aleve about 30 min later im all better. ohhhhhhhhh i love aleve :D

what i dont like is when i go to the bathroom and all sorts of blood and crap come out. it seems like a lot but it really isnt, kinda like an optical illusion. ugh gross yet interesting.

I had gastric bypass back in September. It's great, and I've lost 75 pounds so far. HOWEVER. For the past year or so I've not had a period unless I take Provera, and if I skip a month it's heavier than you can imagine, and very clotty. Now that I'm losing weight, and I assume my PCOS is getting better, I've just been bleeding pretty much constantly for the past 3 weeks..so many clots. I've been wearing Depends at night and when I leave the house. But that's not the problem.

I go through a lot of tampons in a day, and I have a very bad habit of flushing them even though we have a septic tank. It's got to stop. But I can't just pull it out and wrap it in toilet paper..there's usually a gigantic clot glued to the end, and it flops around and drips everywhere. The toilet paper gets soaked, and I end up with blood all over the toilet seat and my hands.

Quick, someone solve this for me. Is there a more hygienic, discrete and less messy way to dispose of the tampons?

I just pulled an ingrown hair out of my husband's neck that was one and five eighths of an inch long. Here's an example of how long that is, since I don't have a camera and can't take a picture (dammit): ________________

A new record.

WOW.

I've had a sore throat/sinus pressure for the past couple of days, and this morning in the shower I snot-rocketed and the HUGEST CHUNK OF GOO I HAVE EVER SEEN shot out into my hand. It almost filled up my whole palm. It was brown and green and streaked with blood. I seriously thought I'd blown out my brain for a second.

It was TOTALLY AWESOME! :D

Oh Implanon, how I love thee!

How I love the scar on my arm that your 14-gauge needle made!

How great it is to have a plastic stick in my arm I can use to gross people out!

How I truly adore the random periods that show up every eight to ten weeks!

The period blood!

It is so old!

It is so stanky!

I think a gerbil has died in my cooter!

...

Seriously though, what the SHIT. I didn't have a period for like five months after I had this thing put in, and now I have almost-black blood coming out of my vajayjay.

And let me tell you, the smell is truly epic.

For the past week or so, I've been a walking bundle of TMI.

A few years back I went through some major depression, which really has nothing to do with anything except that it made my period irregular at best and eventually it stopped entirely. My doctor informed me that I was neither dying nor pregnant, and prescribed birth control pills to force me to have a period. She didn't tell me what was wrong with me or why I needed to have one, just "here have some medicine so you can have a period!" Well, no thank you. I don't want to take birth control pills just so I can have a period that I don't even want.

( Cut because I type way too much. )

I had an interview yesterday. An interview while my vagina is dripping, belly button is seeping, ass is exploding on a regular basis, and I'm gassy enough to scare my cat out of the room. I think I deserve this job.

My boyfriend is wonderful. My period started yesterday and I only had one tampon left because I'm incredibly absentminded when it comes to keeping them in stock; they're incredibly irregular so I can never really plan for them. So I had to wad some toilet paper up and make a little ghetto pad so I wouldn't bleed everywhere.

Ask the boy to bring me home some tampons, he is wonderful and does. The next morning I realize that they are scented tampons. Ugh.

So I joked and told him he had to smell my crotch later to see if they really did make a difference, or if it just smelled like freshly washed sheets that had blood thrown on them. And immediately backpedaled when he said he'd do it.

Oh sweetie, sometimes you chose to out-gross me at the strangest moments.

Also, apparently my dancing in the shower shook a lot of clots loose. I kept hearing little plops and looking down and there goes another clot, swimming its way down the shower drain.

Oh hai. XD

So yeah, yesterday morning I woke up and went to the mirror, like any other morning... And saw this HUGE white-ish yellowy puss business all around my nose piercing.  Looked crazy infected.  There were hard bits of white stuff all around the stud, and greenish yellow business all around it.

Took out the earring, cleaned it off- it was totally covered in the yellow puss stuff.  Then I wiped my nose off, only to find that it was a zit, about the size of... Eh, a small pea.  So that means HUGE.

Popped it- it went "splat" and went ALLL OVER MY MIRROR.  Beautiful. :)

My nose stud looks perfectly normal nows- though after my nap yesterday, it had a nice ring of dried blood around it. XD

so
earlier tonight
I was in a kinda bad mood
just blah
y'know?
then
I pooed a bit
and felt a lot better
about life
the universe
and everything

similar experiences?

I left Friday morning to be in my friend's wedding across the country and got home today. I was in the bathroom taking a poo when I realized that between the eight hours eating nothing but airline peanuts and granola bars, and the fast food, and the wedding stress, and the ham-egg-and-cheese sandwich this morning, I had not pooped since at LEAST Thursday.

I have had three very impressive bowel movements today. I feel MUCH BETTER now.

So I had just gotten home from work and REALLY needed to take a poo. The way my house is set up is that the staircase to get the second floor is in the kitchen. At the top of the stairs to your right is the bathroom. I had been talking to my mother in the kitchen before the OMG GOTTA POOP NOW feeling hit. So I went upstairs to go to the bathroom. I'm enjoying the first satisfying poop in a month, when all of a sudden the bathroom door flies open. My twenty pound hunk of cat is standing in the doorway, looking utterly confused... and then I hear the maniacal laughter coming from the kitchen.
"You watched that unfold, didn't you?" I yelled down to my mother while still trying to poop.
"You're damn right I did!" she yelled back in between gasps for air.

There went my satisfying poop. :( Though the cat is cute, so I guess it's okay.

I'm reasonably large chested, but this has never happened before. I have this bright red rash under my breasts and between them. It stings AND itches, though I'm doing my best not to scratch.  It's been there several days, but in the last couple of days it's started getting really dry and peeling in patches... I'm putting lotion on but it doesn't seem to be helping. Any thoughts?

Okay, so I am super poor until payday tomorrow, so I brought my lunch to work yesterday. It consisted of a banana, some steamed broccoli (from frozen), and some chicken breast. I made the chicken breast on Tuesday and had some for Tuesday dinner.
So I eat the banana for breakfast around 8, then I don't eat lunch until like 1 PM. I was starving.
About an hour after I eat lunch, my stomach starts to hurt and bloat. Obviously these were gas pains, and I get them all the time. I figured I hadn't eaten broccoli in a while, so I was just getting some extra gas. NO THIS WAS NOT THE CASE.
By the time I left work at 4:30, I could barely drive home, I was in so much pain. My stomach was distended to twice its normal size -- I couldn't even sit up properly. I had never had gas pains this bad before.
So I get home, drink some water and some juice, and go lay down. This is around 5:30 PM. By 7PM I had vomited up the water and the juice and nearly passed out. I went into a cycle of puking (there was nothing in my stomach so it was just heaving), thinking it was over, then passing out for a minute only to wake up with my stomach distended again and puking again. This went on from the time I got home to 11 PM last night. The gas pains finally calmed down to a dull roar (I still have them right not), and I stopped puking. When I got up this morning I drank some water and some juice, and so far I have not put anything else in my stomach. My belly is still distended and it hurts to sit upright.
I just want to know what the fuck. Anyone else ever had this happen to them? I can't believe it's the broccoli (I ate the chicken before with no ill effects) or the damn banana. What would make something this horrible occur?

ETA - Went to the doctor, who ruled out a bowel obstruction. I had a little stomach bug, but I am getting better now. The distention is gone, and I am able to eat food.

I have the flu THE FUCKING FLU its raging through me like a plague of death
last night I woke up covered in enough sweat to float a cruise liner
I was completely delirious this morning at around 4am thinking all the infomertials that were on were AMAZING
and every time I looked at a computer screen yesterday I could see a big red blob
screw it I am going to drink fresh OJ till I get ASSPEE and munch enough raw garlic to see away the cast of blade, twilight, and all of the anne rice novels
thankfully today according to my mum (thank FUCK for living at home) I am just pale as opposed to translucent
any home remedies please tell me...

 My nostrils have manned up and decided, 'we are not taking any more of this snot shit. We are going to BREATHE dammit, and give the mouth a rest from chapped lips and hanging open, giving Alex an especially gormless look even for her.'

Unfortunately for me, this translated as a massive sneeze that cleared out all the snot at once. I covered it with my hand and then my hand got covered and loads STILL got all over my desk and laptop! Yeuch. 

On the plus side, I can breathe!